Parenting Pains.

The last 12 hours have not been fun. They have been full of parenting challenges, consequences, and truth. I have been shocked, saddened, angered, taught, enlightened, and redeemed in a matter of 12 hours. Y'all, that's alot to deal with for anyone, but for a mama that has to then follow through with consequences, it's also a little heartbreaking. I am however, continually amazed by the Father's tenderness and that He speaks to us even in the daily (okay - praying this particular event will never be a daily thing) challenges that being a parent presents. He is good. And how He must hurt for us. 

Saturday we drove out to the my brother's (and soon-to-be parent's) place in the country. It takes a little under 2 hours to get there so as you can imagine, the iPad was in full effect. At some point during this journey, JD asked to download a new game and I obliged. Because I was driving, I verbally gave him my password - both explaining and trusting his 9 year-old-self to NOT ever use it without permission. Fast forward to last night...I was laying in bed when an iTunes Receipt came through to my email. I checked it (something I don't normally do) and low and behold - several $1.99 and $4.99 purchases had been made. I looked further and came across more purchases. After some quick addition (on my calculator of course), I learned JD had spent over $100 in iTunes in-app purchases. My first response was sadness. I couldn't believe he would do this. He's my child that doesn't intentionally do wrong. He doesn't like getting in trouble and is normally pretty responsible about his choices. I couldn't believe he would do this. I texted my mom who was equally shocked by this, but she did suggest making a math lesson out of it so he could see how quickly things add up. I decided to go on to bed and deal with it in the morning. 

I woke up this morning and could hear JD already in the living room playing on the iPad. I got up and approached him, flat out asking if he'd spent any money on apps without asking. He grew quiet and answered "yes" (his saving grace). I took the iPad away, told him he'd be adding it up and paying us back with Christmas and birthday money and that he had to be the one to tell his dad. That last part stung the worse, and he spent the rest of the morning hiding in his room. It stung for me too. But I was grateful that I married a man I could trust to handle it. Growing up I can't count how many times my mom covered for us in fear of how my father would respond. I prepared Jimmy for JD's confession but we decided to wait and deal with it after work. After Jimmy left, I logged on the computer so JD could begin the daunting task of adding up his mistake. MORE RECEIPT EMAILS! Any compassion I had was gone when I came across the $19.99 sack of gems he bought. After 30 minutes of adding - JD's total had jumped to $202.35. I was LIVID. I talked, he cried, I explained how he crushed the trust I had in him, he cried and then with one simple statement, he rocked my world, "Mom, please don't ever give me the password again. It's just too much for me to handle."  And with that, I understood on a teeny-tiny scale, what Eve must have felt like in the Garden of Eden. 

The remainder of today has been filled with sweetly-sad insights to what our Heavenly Father must feel on a daily basis. I mean, He knew...He KNEW the choice Adam and Eve would ultimately make, but did He for a second hope just maybe they would surprise Him and choose differently? How many things has He trusted this world with? I think of the Israelites and the promises made to them if they would just remain faithful, if they would just keep their part of the covenant. And they couldn't, the temptations around them were too much. I think of the smaller mistakes made by people, mistakes that alone were bad but escalated into life-shattering events. King David anyone? He gave us free will. He's given us the choice and His promises should be enough, but we still choose to disobey. We cave. I had faith that JD wouldn't carelessly spend money on the iPad, but the desire was just too much. I put a lot on that 9 year old because I expected more. And though it's not the end of the world, I'm still disappointed in him and if I'm honest, in myself for giving him the chance to make this mistake. I'm reminded of a sweet friend that has found such freedom in Christ, freedom from a life of alcohol abuse, but she knows that this freedom comes with it's own limits. She knows how great the temptation is, and therefore doesn't even put herself in situations to cave. I don't for a second believe God regrets His creation, but I wonder if He ever shakes His head wondering if we'll ever learn? Ahhh...and then the part that hurts the most. Holding the offending party responsible. It broke my heart to take the $100 he's been saving for our family cruise. It breaks my heart just watching him mope around, counting the hours until Jimmy gets home and he has to confess. But goodness, this heartbreak isn't even on the same planet as the hurt God must experience. As angry as he was in Eden that day, I imagine casting out Adam and Eve hurt more than anything. Was there pain in their eyes? Did they realize immediately what this meant for them? Did they turn around with their shoulders slumped, fleeing the only home they'd ever known because of one ill-fated, life altering choice? I'm sure they did. And I'm sure the Father wept watching them go. But abandon them He did not. He provided clothing to cover their naked shame. He cursed the one who deceived them. And then He provided a lineage through which our Savior was born.  

I know this won't be the last parenting moment where I learn just as much as my child. I know this won't be the last time I struggle with what I could have done or wrestle with what the consequences should be. I know there will be plenty more moments of sadness, anger, and pain not only as a parent but as a child of the Most High. And that's okay. Because above all else, I know that we are so loved. And it's because of His perfect love (not because of me), it's because of His grace and mercy (not anything I have done), it's because He created despite the fall and that He sent His Perfect Son to pay the penalty for my earthly ugliness, that I stand clean and pure in front of Him. Thank you 'Abba, Father' for your infinite love and faithfulness.      

     

9 years ago today.

I was sitting in a hospital room scared to death and ready to just have a baby already. JD, you did not enter this world under easy circumstances. In no way was it a horrific birth, but it was scary enough to make your sister’s entrance into this world feel like a walk in the park. Funny. Because although the last 9 years haven’t necessarily been a walk in the park, you have always been the easier child. That being said, 2013, your 8^th year alive, has been one for the books. This year marked a lot of change for you my sweet child. And if I can say anything about you as a person after this past year, it’s that you are one determined little guy that won’t be put into a box by any one person, title, or description. You are also extremely self-sufficient and resourceful. I joked the other day that if I was stranded somewhere I might choose you over your dad. This was after you came in with the “knife” you made using a stick that you sharpened with a rock and an old bike grip. 

During your 8^th year you went gluten free. You weren’t excited about it at all.  But you were determined. Within a month’s time we could see a difference in you. Sure, we saw some of the things we were hoping for - more focus, less headaches, less agitation and so on. But we also saw you open up in a way I hadn't expected. We heard more “I love yous” and received more hugs. And this wasn't just towards your daddy and me, but towards the entire family. It was incredible. And though I’m sure there were moments of frustration, you’ve made the gluten free lifestyle look like a piece of a cake.  A piece of gluten free cake of course. 

Eight years old was also the year you officially became a swimmer. You qualified for both mid-season and end-of-season invitationals and once summer league ended, you jumped right into year around swimming. In 2013 you became legal in all 4 strokes, began swimming 50 yard races, started swimming IM’s, dropped seconds left and right, and placed 3^rd in your age group (4^th overall) at 8 and under champs in 25 yard backstroke!

At age eight you also stopped formal schooling and began homeschooling. Together we have already learned so much. It’s crazy and kind of sad that I have learned more about YOU in the last 3 months than I have in the last 9 years, or at least it feels that way. I’ve learned how your mind works, how you have to be doing “something” while learning in order for you to concentrate, how you don’t. Miss. A. Thing. Though you might be dyslexic and have dysgraphia, you are incredibly bright and have a way of viewing things that is so beyond me. Your math and my math don’t look the same, but doing math your way works for you and you get it right every time. You have the ability to remember so much. I love reading and studying the Bible with you. I love that you can accurately place not just countries but cities, rivers, and large bodies of water on the map without referencing any notes. I love that you ask out of the box questions and cause me to really think about details of the Bible that I might easily skip on my own. I love that you just believe. I love listening to you talk about how crazy some scientists are that believe in evolution or the big bang and not in creation. Sweet boy, I pray that you always just believe. Study it, challenge it if you have to, but in your heart, don’t stop believing (yes I sang that last part).

Eight was also the year you really became a boy. Not that you weren’t a boy before, not in the Pinocchio way of becoming a boy. But you went from being a little boy to being A BOY. Your feet smell. Showering is not your favorite past time. You don’t care what you look like. You can’t match clothes to save your life. And did I mention your feet really smell? When you come in from playing outside, I KNOW because I can smell you. Eight was also the age you stopped letting me hug and kiss on you in public. And by “stop” I mean I still do it and you get kinda mad. And I’m not going to lie. It stung a little that first time you shunned me in public. But it’s okay because I am your mom and I will hug and kiss you anyways.

And just a few days ago at age 8 you shot your first deer. And apparently that’s a pretty big deal. Who am I kidding? It’s huge! And we were all so excited for you. Daddy said you sighted it in all on your own and then pulled the trigger with zero help from him. I’m glad it was on a daddy and son trip, I know it made it special for both of you. 

JD, age 8 has been a big one. You have grown leaps and bounds. You are so unlike any other kid I know. You are quirky. You are passionate about things when you are interested in them. You love your dog like a best friend. You care a lot about others. You are really sensitive. You are an introvert until you really get to know someone. You despise a lot of attention. You have high goals for yourself. You aren't very orderly. Actually, you are extremely disorganized. You are a master mindcrafter. When asked what you want to be when you grow up it's a 3-way-tie between engineer, Olympic swimmer or an American Ninja Warrior. You love steak with blue cheese on top. You do not like to disappoint people. You are hard to get upset with because you so rarely make poor choices. Until it comes to how you treat your sister. Sometimes those aren’t the best choices. You get super excited over the weirdest things. You love essential oils for crying out loud. You are really funny and pretty witty. You are just an all-around joy and I am so blessed to be your mama. I love you sweet boy.    

 

      

    

The Year That Was.

Well 2014, you are one week old today. I am still having a hard time getting use to writing 2014. Maybe that's because I wrote it for the first time yesterday. Regardless, I can't seem to wrap my mind around 2013 being over. This is probably because I have little concept of time. Seriously. I'm that person who uses the term "a few years ago" and then later realize a "few" is more like 8. However, the women in my life love this. My Nana was like 64 for 5 or 6 years and my mom stayed 45 until she turned 49. Time just passes so quickly that I literally can not grasp how much time has really gone by. Anyways. That had absolutely nothing to do with the point of this post. Sorry. I tend to chase rabbits. Or wind, depending on how you look at it. 

The point of this post was to reflect somewhat. I so enjoyed reading everyone's reflections/goals last week in honor of the new year. I never could quite get that post on paper a week ago, but I would like to share some now. 

2013 was a year of change. A year of teaching. A year of eating my own words. 

In 2013...

*We went gluten free. For a couple months. JD however has been gluten free for an entire year now. 

*JD was diagnosed ADHD after spending 8 hours with a physiologist. He (the psychologist) was wrong. 

*Mac both fell in and out of love with cheer and after over a year of practice, competitions, and tryouts - we stopped. 

*Jimmy and I went on our first sex-trafficking awareness tour. I was introduced to the extreme darkness of our city. BCF has been so faithful in getting involved and bringing awareness to the darkness in Houston.  

*I finished my first year of discipleship. It. Was. Unreal. To date, the most profound experience of faith, courage, and diligence. My walk and God's faithfulness in my life (regardless of how faithless I was at times) is so beautifully woven into the last 5 years leading up to this group of women. It brings me to my knees.   

*A seed was planted in my heart for the nations. I fell in love with an Iraqi refugee family. God is so good.  

*I had the privledge of ministering to Muslim women and taught (my first teaching experience) ESL to a group of Turkish women. Incredible people.    

*I experienced God's Faithfulness unlike ever before. Not because He was faithful for the first time, but because I quit trying to do it on my own and instead faithfully trusted Him to carry me through. 

*I led my first bible study (my second teaching experience). For 8/9 weeks I was incredibly blessed to spend a couple hours each Monday night with a group of women that humbled and challenged me in such a way that I almost daily remember something from that time together. He equips the unqualified.  

*I began discipling 2 amazing women and met another 20 or so sisters that I just can't get enough of. He has shown me time and time again how important fellowship is. I'm constantly blown away at how deeply He loves and cares for His people.  

*JD started 3rd grade and MacKenzie started kindergarten. 

*I went on my first retreat with BCF. AMAZING.  

*JD began swimming year around. Getting to watch your child excel in something is such a blessing. For years we've watched JD play sport after sport where he struggled to keep up and grasp the game. He's a natural swimmer (and works in conjunction with, not against his dyslexic brain-wiring) and watching him improve and work hard has been such a great thing for him, for Jimmy and for their father-son relationship. 

*JD was diagnosed with dyslexia and dysgraphia. For the first time I felt the deep-seeded need to fight for my son.  

*I learned (and still learning) how much different JD's brain is wired than mine.  It's an amazing thing to study.  I'm so so so grateful to the many psychologist and scientist that have dedicated countless hours to uncovering the truths about dyslexia and the advantages (and struggles) that come along with it.    

*I began homeschooling JD. God's faithfulness overwhelmed me during the entire process leading up to the moment the decision was made to homeschool. It will forever be etched in my heart and mind as one of the best (and hardest), prayerfully made choices and one of the sweetest times with God. I've never heard His voice more clearer than the times I was down on my knees begging for wisdom and guidance.  

*Our church launched it's second campus. It was AMAZING.

*We did not put up a Christmas tree. I think 2013 will be forever remembered as the year with no real Christmas tree. 2014 might be the year that Christmas lasted 12 months. I'm just saying, my decor is still up and I'm okay with that. Kinda. 

In 2014...

*I'm praying to spend a significant amount of time studying His Word. I want to know Him more. I want 2014 to end with an immeasurable amount of biblical knowledge. 

*I want more of His Presence. I don't want to chase wind, but to just rest in who He is. 

*I am praying God's favor over our church, over our home and over my life. I want to go boldly into this world under His authority and seek out the lost. I want to be a Kingdom Shaker. I want to do it even if it means doing it scared. 

*I want to spend more time praying and less time planning. More time praying and less time worrying. I want to pray effectively. I want a relationship based in prayer and communion, not study guides (though these are a great tool) and bible teachers. I want to look back at the end of 2014 and be blown away by His Faithfulness.

Peace.

Addict.

I'm an addict. I live from one fix to the next. Sometimes. Mostly I live with this idea of a "fix" and the peace or the false promise of peace that the "fix" will bring. I'm not alone. I think in one way or another, the majority of us are slaves to some kind of "fix". Some fixes are worst than others, some have dire consequences while others are just a mere distraction from bigger issues. Some of us are willing to admit that these  addictions exist. Some of us are not. Some of us don't even realize that these fixes are a bigger issue until it literally slaps us in the face. Or until God so vividly (and mercifully) reveals them like He did to me today. 

A week before Christmas I passed along one last minute gift idea to my mama - a new study bible. I'm kind of a bible junkie, a bible-nerd if you will. I have my pretty, leather bound church bible that I go to most often (it's the NLT in case you are curious). I have an older NIV Bible that I pull out while studying at times. I have The Messgae Bible that I like when I need to hear the text differently. I have an ESV that is my "clean" bible, meaning I don't write in it for ministering purposes. But I've really been wanting the New American Standard Version for additional study material. And low and behold, like a tiny Christmas miracle, through the powers of social media I come across this little gem...

And that sweet mama of mine surprised me with it for Christmas! 

Me being the bible/book nerd that I am, I get almost as much enjoyment from the introduction as I do from the material itself. Not really, but I just can't skip over an introduction. It's there begging to be read and if I don't, I'm so completely distracted by "what it might have said" that I can't even focus my way through chapter 1. So after days of pouring over the how-to-use pages, I finally started the actual study process this morning. I'd already pretty much decided that I would start in the book of Ecclesiastes. I'd love to say I prayed over this decision but it was one more or less made based on the length of the book and what little I already knew - little being the keyword. 

I'm one chapter in and after a good amount if time in the Word this morning, I spent the majority of my afternoon and evening completely ignoring all I had read. I walked around upset, frustrated, and just overall exhausted by all that I needed to do. I was overwhelmed by the feeling of being overwhelmed. This continued late into the night and as I got ready for bed I found myself mentally listing (for the millionth time) all the things I needed to do...all the "if I can just get this done and get this organized everything will be great" items on my list. And just like that it hit me. He hit me (metaphorically of course) with Ecclesiastes 1:14, "I [Solomon] have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind."  Gah, I just love when He uses something I just read to knock me off my feet. 

I spend so much time trying to get my life in order, to get it all organized, to get "my ducks in a row". But for what? If this life is not but a "vapor" and if all my trying to get things to look right is nothing but chasing wind, why do I constantly stress over getting it done? Because organization and order is my fix. It's my false sense of peace. It's what I fall back on, what I count on when everything around me is crazy - the lie of "if I can just get this area in order everything will be better". And the more and more I've tried to restore order here recently, the more and more of a mess everything seems to become. And friend, I don't need a biblical scholar to explain this one to me. No, there is only one reason things keep getting messier and messier, only one reason I keep trying to surface but instead find myself drowning even deeper in the waves of chaos. Because it is only when I'm at the point of desperation, the point of gasping for air from my own life that I finally realize my "fix" won't bring me any peace. Checking that box on my to-do list won't bring rest to my soul. No, that peace comes from one place and that place has nothing to do with a clean house, organized room or weekly meal plan. It comes from a Father who wants me to need Him more than I need order.  A Father that wants to be the first on my list. A Father that wants my undivided attention. A Father that wants me to rest in His Presence alone. And it's in His Presence that this life, this "here today, gone tomorrow" breath of existence is made meaningful. It's in His Presence that peace was created in the first place. 

new year. new blog. same chore list.

So the problem with starting a new blog on the first (yes, I know it's the second already, minor details people) of a new year is there are a world of topics to begin with. One would think an introduction would be in order.  Or maybe a reason for blogging at all.  New Year's blogs probably contain a whole host of topics ranging from reflections to resolutions to hopes for the new year. All very important, post-worthy topics of course, but not the question I'm currently facing.  No, that question would be why the heck am I on the computer at all??  My house is a DISASTER, Christmas is still very much in season around here, and there is a very messy post-trip vehicle needing some TLC in the driveway.  And unfortunately, blog now and worry about all that tomorrow isn't an option because WE. LEAVE. TOWN. AGAIN. tomorrow.  And if the past is any indicator, these suitcases aren't going to unpack, wash and repack themselves. Real world problems, y'all.  The good news is, nobody will end up reading this blog anyway, at lease nobody that doesn't already know me or my story or the fact that I like to ramble on about Jesus and homeschooling and everything in between.  And since I'm sure the FB world gets tired of being my personal soapbox podium, it's probably safe to assume that this blog will become that (and more...my bets on more).  So yeah...you should probably just stop reading now.  And if you choose to continue, I'm warning you now that this will be a grammatical disaster.  I tend to write like a type, talk, think.  That's why I'm writing via blog world, not book world.  And that's why my last sentence was a fragment and this one started with a conjunction.  It's safe to assume this will be one hot mess of a blogiography, written (probably erratically) by multiple personalities, that may or may not always ever make sense.  It's true people.  And real...definitely real.

Peace.