Saturday we drove out to the my brother's (and soon-to-be parent's) place in the country. It takes a little under 2 hours to get there so as you can imagine, the iPad was in full effect. At some point during this journey, JD asked to download a new game and I obliged. Because I was driving, I verbally gave him my password - both explaining and trusting his 9 year-old-self to NOT ever use it without permission. Fast forward to last night...I was laying in bed when an iTunes Receipt came through to my email. I checked it (something I don't normally do) and low and behold - several $1.99 and $4.99 purchases had been made. I looked further and came across more purchases. After some quick addition (on my calculator of course), I learned JD had spent over $100 in iTunes in-app purchases. My first response was sadness. I couldn't believe he would do this. He's my child that doesn't intentionally do wrong. He doesn't like getting in trouble and is normally pretty responsible about his choices. I couldn't believe he would do this. I texted my mom who was equally shocked by this, but she did suggest making a math lesson out of it so he could see how quickly things add up. I decided to go on to bed and deal with it in the morning.
I woke up this morning and could hear JD already in the living room playing on the iPad. I got up and approached him, flat out asking if he'd spent any money on apps without asking. He grew quiet and answered "yes" (his saving grace). I took the iPad away, told him he'd be adding it up and paying us back with Christmas and birthday money and that he had to be the one to tell his dad. That last part stung the worse, and he spent the rest of the morning hiding in his room. It stung for me too. But I was grateful that I married a man I could trust to handle it. Growing up I can't count how many times my mom covered for us in fear of how my father would respond. I prepared Jimmy for JD's confession but we decided to wait and deal with it after work. After Jimmy left, I logged on the computer so JD could begin the daunting task of adding up his mistake. MORE RECEIPT EMAILS! Any compassion I had was gone when I came across the $19.99 sack of gems he bought. After 30 minutes of adding - JD's total had jumped to $202.35. I was LIVID. I talked, he cried, I explained how he crushed the trust I had in him, he cried and then with one simple statement, he rocked my world, "Mom, please don't ever give me the password again. It's just too much for me to handle." And with that, I understood on a teeny-tiny scale, what Eve must have felt like in the Garden of Eden.
The remainder of today has been filled with sweetly-sad insights to what our Heavenly Father must feel on a daily basis. I mean, He knew...He KNEW the choice Adam and Eve would ultimately make, but did He for a second hope just maybe they would surprise Him and choose differently? How many things has He trusted this world with? I think of the Israelites and the promises made to them if they would just remain faithful, if they would just keep their part of the covenant. And they couldn't, the temptations around them were too much. I think of the smaller mistakes made by people, mistakes that alone were bad but escalated into life-shattering events. King David anyone? He gave us free will. He's given us the choice and His promises should be enough, but we still choose to disobey. We cave. I had faith that JD wouldn't carelessly spend money on the iPad, but the desire was just too much. I put a lot on that 9 year old because I expected more. And though it's not the end of the world, I'm still disappointed in him and if I'm honest, in myself for giving him the chance to make this mistake. I'm reminded of a sweet friend that has found such freedom in Christ, freedom from a life of alcohol abuse, but she knows that this freedom comes with it's own limits. She knows how great the temptation is, and therefore doesn't even put herself in situations to cave. I don't for a second believe God regrets His creation, but I wonder if He ever shakes His head wondering if we'll ever learn? Ahhh...and then the part that hurts the most. Holding the offending party responsible. It broke my heart to take the $100 he's been saving for our family cruise. It breaks my heart just watching him mope around, counting the hours until Jimmy gets home and he has to confess. But goodness, this heartbreak isn't even on the same planet as the hurt God must experience. As angry as he was in Eden that day, I imagine casting out Adam and Eve hurt more than anything. Was there pain in their eyes? Did they realize immediately what this meant for them? Did they turn around with their shoulders slumped, fleeing the only home they'd ever known because of one ill-fated, life altering choice? I'm sure they did. And I'm sure the Father wept watching them go. But abandon them He did not. He provided clothing to cover their naked shame. He cursed the one who deceived them. And then He provided a lineage through which our Savior was born.
I know this won't be the last parenting moment where I learn just as much as my child. I know this won't be the last time I struggle with what I could have done or wrestle with what the consequences should be. I know there will be plenty more moments of sadness, anger, and pain not only as a parent but as a child of the Most High. And that's okay. Because above all else, I know that we are so loved. And it's because of His perfect love (not because of me), it's because of His grace and mercy (not anything I have done), it's because He created despite the fall and that He sent His Perfect Son to pay the penalty for my earthly ugliness, that I stand clean and pure in front of Him. Thank you 'Abba, Father' for your infinite love and faithfulness.
